This article is born out of years of heartache, pastoral counseling, and the challenges of raising my own children. Over time, I’ve realized the deep need for resources grounded in a gospel-centered perspective on relationships. Every day, we are inundated with Satan’s deceptions, leaving many Christians ensnared in unhealthy relationships.
Let’s be clear from the start: the Bible doesn’t explicitly address dating. However, it provides profound wisdom on how believers should interact with one another. This article will examine how Scripture navigates the complexities of romance and relationships among Christians, offering principles to help shape our understanding of premarital relationships.
Before we delve into dating and romance, I want to lay down some foundational principles to establish common ground for this discussion. Given how personal this topic is, opinions can vary widely for many reasons. My aim is not to pit my perspective against yours but to build a shared biblical framework that we can all draw from.
To do this, we will first explore what Scripture teaches about the purpose and goal of relationships within God’s family, the biblical definitions of love and sexuality, and how these three key understandings should shape a Christian’s approach to romance. Before we jump into the Bible, let’s take a moment to reflect.
What’s The Point of Dating?
Dating—a term that evokes a wide range of emotions, often varying depending on perspective. In today’s culture, it’s a concept that is everywhere, often leading to the breakdown of friendships and distorting our understanding of love and sexuality. But who determines the "right" way to date?
In today’s world, social media, television, YouTube, movies, and music heavily shape our views. Ask young people where their desire to date comes from, and why it feels so significant. Despite parents' efforts to guide their children (and I use "children" intentionally), it often seems like trying to direct waves in the ocean.
So, what’s the point of dating? That really depends on who you ask. Younger children may say it’s for fun, because they like someone, or because "everyone does it." Ask a college-bound student why they date, and many have simply formed the habit of always being in a relationship—they rarely pause to think about why they’re doing it.
Let’s break this down logically. We allow children who have just entered puberty to engage in romantic gestures and share physical contact that stirs sexual desires, yet tell them not to "go too far" because it’s sinful. I’d rather teach a 7-year-old to safely handle a gun and hunt in the woods than believe a 12-14-year-old has the maturity to manage the powerful bodily urges they’ll face in a relationship.
Why are we doing this to our children? Just because everyone else is doing it? That’s not a good reason. Sometimes, I hear, "They need to practice and learn what it’s like to be in a relationship." I agree, but they can learn the important lessons about relationships without putting themselves at risk before they are spiritually, mentally, and physically ready.
This article isn’t against dating per se. My goal is simply to encourage parents to take control of how their children understand relationships and marriage. Marriage is a serious, lifelong commitment before God, meant for His glory—not something to experiment with or casually flirt with because it feels good at the moment.
God designed our bodies, minds, and emotions to connect in a unique way with the opposite sex. This is part of His creation, a natural desire for romance, intimacy, and procreation. As these desires awaken in our children, it’s our responsibility to teach them how to use them in a way that honors God and is a gift for their future spouse. If we remain silent and allow worldly influences to shape their view, they’ll only see the opposite sex as a means of self-gratification or social acceptance.
Let’s Start with the Basics
Believers Only?
When it comes to romantic relationships with non-believers, there’s no need for lengthy debate—the Bible clearly states that Christians should not marry unbelievers (2 Cor. 6:14). Therefore, every potential relationship should be considered within the framework of a union grounded in the family of God. Regardless of the journey toward marriage, this fundamental biblical principle must remain a priority. However, does simply being a Christian mean we should move forward without question?
Must we agree?
Another key aspect of fostering healthy relationships is ensuring there is agreement on faith and practice within the family of God. I’ve counseled many couples who entered marriage assuming they were on the same page spiritually, only to later realize they held opposing views on significant issues. That’s why the early stages of a relationship should involve honest discussions about areas of agreement and disagreement.
Depending on personal convictions or upbringing, these differences can bring challenging topics into a relationship. Even if both individuals agree on the gospel, that doesn’t guarantee alignment on other important aspects of life—such as church involvement, modesty, child-rearing, or doctrinal convictions like reformed theology, to name a few. While differences will always exist in marriage, they shouldn’t come as a surprise after saying, “I do.” Since faith shapes every part of our lives, it’s crucial to establish a shared understanding of it before considering marriage.
Dating in a Worthy Manner
The New Testament strongly emphasizes the importance of maintaining unity within the family of God. This means that any action—or inaction—that leads to strife between two believers is contrary to Scripture. Paul exhorts the believers in Ephesians 4:1 to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called.” This new relationship with the Father is now meant to be expressed within the community of believers. What should define these relationships? Paul answers in verses 2–3: they should be characterized by “all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
I want to draw our attention specifically to Paul’s words: “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” As believers, we are called to interact with one another in a way that fosters unity rather than division within the body of Christ. Most of us have witnessed—or even experienced—a painful breakup that led to people taking sides or, in some cases, one person leaving the church or friend group altogether. Struggles with strife and division will always be present in the church, but our goal from the very beginning should be to protect and strengthen the body as much as possible. Paul’s instructions cannot be separated from the way we approach relationships. Every interaction within a relationship should be guided by the pursuit of unity in the body of Christ—regardless of whether the relationship ultimately leads to marriage.
Many dating couples enter relationships driven by the world's idea of romance, allowing their desires to take control. As a result, romance often leads to physical touch, which then progresses to various forms of sensuality (read my full article here on the topic). The moment romance and physical touch become central to a relationship, couples begin to act out elements of marriage without true commitment. When the relationship eventually ends, the separation often mirrors a divorce—bringing emotional pain and the need for physical distance due to the hurt and conflict that arise. This stands in direct contrast to what Paul encourages believers toward. Our conduct should never contribute to division within the church—though that is our goal, we acknowledge that it doesn’t always play out perfectly.
When people ask how they should approach relationships—whether dating, courting, or something else (I’ve seen just about every approach)—my encouragement is always the same: regardless of the method, the relationship should promote unity within the body of Christ and actively seek to protect it. That is the calling of all believers.
How does this work?
I remember the first time I shared this biblical perspective with a group of college students—they struggled to grasp the idea that breakups don’t have to divide people. How can you enter a meaningful relationship, and if it doesn’t work out, walk away without pain and conflict? Paul never treats failed romantic relationships within the church as an exception to unity. As we’ll continue to explore, the way we approach relationships can shape their outcome, protecting everyone involved. No matter how a relationship ends—whether in marriage or not—it should ultimately glorify our King.
This section is all about mindset. Before entering a romantic relationship, the focus must remain on Christ—on unity in Him rather than personal gratification, loneliness, or social validation. A believer should never separate their identity as a child of God, called to protect the family of faith, from their pursuit of romance.
This brings us to the next key biblical principle: understanding who we are in Christ and what we are truly pursuing—the call to reflect and extend God’s love to another.
Wordily vs Biblical Love?
I love pizza. I also love my wife—so, what’s the difference? In our culture, we use the word “love” in so many ways, but at its core, it often describes what brings us comfort and satisfaction. Conversely, we use the word “hate” to describe things that disrupt or take away that comfort. Think about how a small child reacts when they don’t get what they want—many have blurted out, “I hate you!” in frustration. As parents, we know how heartbreaking and foolish that moment is, yet it reflects a deeper truth about how we often perceive love.
At its root, human love is flawed. It can be selfish, fleeting, and even destructive. We sing about love lasting forever—until the reason for our love disappears, and suddenly, we’re singing about heartbreak and falling out of love. I’ve always found it amusing when people say they "fell in love." Falling is rarely a good thing—it’s painful and often leads to brokenness. Yet, that’s how we describe relationships. If falling in love means stumbling into something unexpected and liking it, then given enough time, we’ll eventually stumble over something we don’t like and “fall out” of what we once cherished.
This is why we, as parents, must turn to Scripture and teach our children the true meaning of love. The world, under Satan’s influence, has distorted love into something rooted in sensuality and self-gratification. It’s easy to believe these lies, but the gospel opens our eyes to the reality of love—love that is sacrificial, steadfast, and true. The ultimate example is found in God Himself: "For God so loved the world, He gave" (John 3:16). This is the defining difference between biblical love and the love the world portrays.
What comes next doesn’t begin in high school—it starts in the high chair. Teaching our children a biblical view of love from an early age will help guard them against Satan’s lies and traps regarding dating and relationships. A right understanding of love lays the foundation for healthy, God-honoring relationships.
At its core, love can be broken down into at least three key attributes, the first of which is:
1. Love Is Unconditional
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8)
God’s love is not based on our worthiness or actions. In fact, Romans 5:10 reminds us that we were not just imperfect—we were enemies of God. Yet, when He established the foundation of love, He made it about giving, not receiving. True love is selfless and sacrificial, not transactional. As humans, we struggle to love this way because our love often wavers based on conditions. There are always limits and expectations attached to our affections.
That’s why biblical love is so radical—it’s entirely different from the love the world promotes. When God says, “I love you,” it isn’t because of anything we’ve done or will do; it’s because He chose to love us. The writer of Hebrews paints a powerful picture of this love: “For the joy that was set before him, he endured the cross” (Hebrews 12:2). Christ bore the cross not out of obligation, but because He found joy in loving us.
We don’t fall in love—we choose to love. Real love looks past faults, failures, and weaknesses, offering unwavering commitment. Saying “I love you” should mean expressing unconditional affection, yet as fallen humans, we constantly fall short of this standard. But rather than redefining love to fit our limitations, we must look to the Father's perfect love as our guide: “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
2. Love Is Sacrificial
"Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13)
As we build a biblical understanding of love, it becomes clear that love is defined more by what one gives than by what one receives. True love requires complete selflessness—even to the point of ultimate sacrifice. Paul reinforces this idea when he tells the Corinthians, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). The deeper we explore the meaning of love, the more weight and significance it carries.
When someone says, “I love this person,” do they fully grasp the depth of that commitment? Genuine love means refusing to let any condition hinder your willingness to sacrifice for another. It is a vow to endure—to the very end—for the sake of the one you love. Sadly, many marriages today lack this understanding, reducing love to something conditional and temporary.
Too often, love is viewed as a contract rather than a covenant: “I will love you as long as it’s convenient and beneficial. But if it becomes too difficult, I’ll say we’ve grown apart and walk away.” This mindset is not love—it is a worldly, self-serving imitation of it.
This doesn’t mean there are never legitimate reasons for divorce, such as infidelity or abuse. However, relationships should be built on a true, biblical understanding of love rather than the fleeting, self-gratifying version that the world so often promotes. A love rooted in Christ is not based on convenience but on commitment, sacrifice, and enduring faithfulness.
3. Love Is Never-Ending
"Love never ends." (1 Corinthians 13:8)
One of the most powerful passages in Scripture is found in Romans 8:35: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?” Paul goes on to list death, powers, spiritual realms, and more, emphasizing that nothing can sever us from God’s love. Love is eternal because this is the very nature of the love we have received from the Father. When love is unconditional and sacrificial, there is no reason for it to end once it has been given.
But why should someone embrace this biblical view of love instead of the world’s version? The answer lies in what we are all ultimately seeking—joy. As Jesus neared the end of His earthly ministry, He told His disciples, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full. This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:11-12).
When we love with the same unconditional, sacrificial, and never-ending love that Christ demonstrated, He promises us not just any joy, but His joy—a joy that leaves us fully satisfied, lacking nothing. This truth completely reshapes our understanding of love. We love because it brings us joy, and that joy is secure because it is not based on circumstances or transactions.
Modern love, however, is rooted in sensuality and self-interest: If you make me feel good, I will love you. If you make me feel safe, satisfied, or successful, then I will have joy. But the moment those conditions are no longer met, joy disappears, and with it, love. This is the opposite of what Scripture teaches. True love is not dictated by what the object of our love does or does not do—rather, it flows from the never-ending love of God that transforms and sustains us.
Keeping the Keys to the Car
At what age do we feel comfortable handing a child the keys to a car? A parent who loves their child isn’t as concerned about the age as they are about the maturity required to handle such a powerful and dangerous machine. The focus is on ensuring their safety and the safety of others around them. This concept of preparing and protecting our children is a key aspect of biblical parenting. As Paul instructs in Ephesians 6:4, we are to "raise them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
Because we live in a fallen, broken world, God has given us clear guidance to protect us from falling back into the traps and deceptions of Satan. We are called to teach our children about the gospel, the church, and the dangers of the world.
When it comes to relationships, however, we often neglect the wisdom of our Heavenly Father and allow the world to guide us into paths filled with lust, sensuality, and bondage. It is time we take back the keys that the world has been using to drive our children toward destruction and set them free in the beauty and hope of the gospel. Just as we would never send our children out to drive a 4,300-pound gas-powered vehicle onto the road without proper preparation, we should stop and ask ourselves if we have genuinely equipped them to handle the power and responsibility of relationships and romance.
When to hand over the keys?
Romance is not something God intends for us to treat lightly, as if it's a mere toy. Connecting emotionally and physically with the opposite sex is a serious commitment, one that brings God-given blessings and benefits, but also the potential for lifelong regrets and scars. Biblically, I see no reason to encourage young people who are not yet mature enough to handle the emotional and sexual challenges of a romantic relationship to enter into an exclusive one.
Because they are still growing as individuals, developing their faith, and learning to control their physical desires, we need to train them for this significant moment just as we would for any other situation that requires maturity and self-control.
Have you ever wondered why many high school students have multiple relationships, sometimes as many as four or five, before they even think about marriage? Is this really a good practice for Christians—creating heartache, regret, and lasting scars from decisions made during adolescence? Would we continue to buy our children new cars after each one is wrecked, hoping they'll eventually be ready to buy their own at age 18?
The world is pushing our children to enter into romantic and sexual relationships at younger ages. Have you ever stopped to ask why? Why are they being encouraged to act like adults before they are truly ready? It’s not because society wants them to grow up, but rather the opposite. If they can engage in sexual activity, what’s the point of marriage? And if they’re married but want out, it’s not easy to leave. Why not just date until they get bored, since that's the pattern they’ve followed since they were 13?
As Christians, we should never view other people as objects to be consumed for our own pleasure. While we might not say it outright, consider why we would encourage our children to dive into something they are not prepared to handle. Does God get the glory in the many broken relationships left in our wake? These relationships often end up damaging friendships and family bonds. Why does this happen? Because we’ve bought into the foolish idea that the world has sold us, believing it to be wisdom.
A Better Way
Simply telling young people, "Wait until you're older," is not enough. I remember when I was teaching my first child how to drive during the height of the 2020 pandemic. Movie theater parking lots were empty, so every Sunday afternoon after lunch, we’d head to the lot where she’d practice using her turn signals, braking, and parking. I wanted to make sure she grasped the basics before driving on the road with other vehicles. After a few weeks, she felt confident enough to drive home from the theater. A few months later, she passed her driving test and is now a safe, responsible driver.
So why treat the emotions and bodies of our young people any differently? Why let another child teach our child how to view romance? Why let the entertainment industry dictate how our children should approach relationships? Their track record has shown that they don't have a clue either!
Ephesians 6:4 tells us to bring up our children "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."
God's instructions are clear: avoid sensuality and act in the best interest of others, considering them more important than ourselves. This means that when thinking about marriage, we must do so in a way that honors God and respects others. If a young person is not yet ready to fully assume the responsibilities of a romantic relationship, they should continue preparing and not rush into one. They should be ready to leave their home, cleave to their spouse, and live as a new family before God.
As Ephesians 5:31 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
Until they are capable of fulfilling this divine command, why would we encourage them to act as if they are already in that position? Part of raising children according to God’s instruction is teaching them how seriously He views marriage.
It is neither helpful nor appropriate to encourage young people to isolate themselves from friends and family or to make commitments they are not ready to follow through on.
It’s natural and good for two people who share common interests and attraction to grow spiritually and emotionally closer. The natural outcome of this God-given attraction is physical union.
This is a conversation I have often with my children. Expressing love physically for your spouse is not only a physical joy but an act of worship to God. The longer a relationship drags on before marriage, the harder it becomes to resist physical affection without it becoming sensual. This is why Paul advises believers to marry, for the sake of their desires, which are not sinful in themselves, but could easily lead to sin.
Biblical Pursuit of Romance
When someone asks, “How far is too far?” it’s clear they are thinking from a fleshly, rather than biblical, perspective. Biblical sexuality is always centered on the glory of God. In our current cultural climate, this may sound unusual, but the Bible calls us to do everything, including our relationships, for God’s glory. The real question should be, “Is what we’re about to do honoring and glorifying to our King?”
Ephesians 5:3 says, “But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints.”
Paul makes it clear that sexuality outside the bounds of marriage is considered impurity. It’s not just about intercourse—any sexual conduct outside of marriage is improper. How do we know if something has crossed the line into impurity? If it’s sexual in nature and occurs between those who aren’t married, it’s impure. To put it simply, any act that is intended to provoke sexual pleasure or arousal is inappropriate unless it’s within the covenant of marriage.
Many couples may not engage in intercourse, but still participate in behavior that arouses sexual desires. Imagine how you’d feel if a married man intentionally caused a woman to feel sexually aroused through his words or touch. Even the world recognizes this as wrong. So why would it be okay for unmarried individuals to do the same? It’s not! Yet, the world has twisted these behaviors and labeled them as romance. We, as believers, are not governed by worldly lies, nor should we fall into the traps of the enemy that encourage indulgence in the flesh.
I do believe that couples can express love and affection for one another, but it’s important to do so in a way that protects both individuals from sexual arousal. This will look different for every couple. Some might be comfortable holding hands, while others may not. A hug or a goodnight kiss might be okay for some, but not for others. We are called to save ourselves for the one to whom we are bound before God in marriage. Too many believers find themselves caught in sexual sin because they have never been taught the biblical truths and the freedom that come with following God’s design for relationships.
Teaching our children about romance isn’t just about understanding emotions; it’s also about teaching them biblical ethics regarding sexuality. It is never godly, nor helpful, to stimulate another person sensually unless they are your spouse—someone to whom you are bound before God.
My Child Is Fighting me on this!
Telling your child, "This is how it's going to be, and don’t argue with me about it," is not truly training them; it’s caging them. As I mentioned earlier, conversations about romance and relationships need to start early—earlier than you might think—because the world is actively trying to shape their perspectives. If you assume they’ll figure it out on their own as they grow, you’re right in one sense. However, if you don’t teach them God’s ways, the world—through its media and influences—will lead them into the same pitfalls it’s trapped itself in.
Even if your child is already in high school or college, it’s not too late. Simply giving in when they oppose or disagree with you doesn’t solve anything; it just means they’re blind to the truth, and you have the privilege of helping open their eyes to the beauty of marriage from God’s perspective. I know this is possible because I’ve had countless conversations with teenagers and college students over the past 15 years, guiding them toward a biblical view of romance instead of a worldly one.
Teaching our children about biblical love, the dangers of sensuality, the profound beauty of marital intimacy, and the selfless giving that love requires isn’t easy—but it’s absolutely worth every effort. Instead of viewing our children as beings to control, we should see them as reflections of the King, whose image they bear. We want the best for them, but simply telling them to wait or stop doesn’t equip them for life—it doesn’t train them.
Conclusion:
If you’re reading this as someone interested in dating or already in a relationship. In that case, I pray this helps you understand how to find joy in your relationship, and honor God, and protect yourself from the bondage of sin by viewing love through the lens of the gospel. I wrote this to help couples—whether dating or pursuing marriage—reflect on their relationships and consider if they are following God’s word and truly caring for one another, as they work toward a future that protects each other and glorifies God and His kingdom.
Parents, this is an important part of your children’s lives. Don’t wait to start having these conversations. Satan wants to deceive your children and shape their minds with his lies, which will influence how they view relationships in the future. The world won’t agree with God’s word, and their friends may mock them, but don’t let that discourage you—it won’t be easy. Just as we warn our children about the dangers of drugs because we know the harm they can cause, let’s not fall for Satan’s tricks by allowing the world to shape our children’s hearts when it comes to romance and marriage. Start teaching them now what healthy relationships look like, so they can seek relationships that reflect the truth of Scripture, not the lies of the world.